Wheat from Chaff, Rules of Social Media Engagement, yada yada yada….

Background details.

I put this comment recently on FB: It's the inclusion of all, even those you would never have interacted with that's the problem. When it then gets messy, as it would when wheat is not sorted from chaff, it becomes difficult for me to say "Well, what did you expect?" I am a snob. I own it

A few days ago I put up this message: And I am always amazed by the reaction of my people. Same situation, exactly the same issue. But one was most gracious and understanding. Choose your caucus carefully. Do not cast your pearls before swine. Have a great week ahead.

And then: I was looking for an FB friend today as I had not seen her on my timeline for a while, I rarely visit pages and just rely on my timeline to keep me informed. I saw I had been “unfriended”. Apparently, she was having issues with a mutual friend of ours and decided to lose a few friends! So I was a tad irritated as the “gatherfight” attitude that some have. If you fall out with my friend, please do not expect me to pick sides, unless I also have a direct issue with the same friend.

So this got me thinking. The lady who unfriended me, a lovely lady by the way, was well within her rights to protect herself. And this is one thing that I realise that I have not been doing. In the heady world of FB friendship, I have forgotten something very important. My name is Kemi and I am a snob! I guard myself closely and have done so all my life. So when in moments of weakness, I let some people in, I always kick myself later.

I had started this blog post a while ago and saved in the Draft as I never seemed to finish it. The above three points have now made it imperative that I put up this post.  It’s a bit of a stream of consciousness as most of my posts are but here goes!

The world is getting increasingly smaller and social media has played a great part in this. While this is acceptable in most cases, there is a small point. You know how we gravitate towards certain people based on all our principles, upbringing, education etc etc?  Well, the internet has blurred those lines and we cannot rely on our simple sense to make sure we don’t make massive errors of judgement. So, here you go.   

KML’s rules of Social Media engagement

• Be true to yourself. It’s a good thing to expand your coast, but you really should not expect that people you would not touch with a barge pole in real life will be any different because they are hiding behind a name and a set of pictures on social media.
• Do not expect that because you have some vague similarities eg nationality, sexual preference etc, that you will be well suited for meaningful friendships. As you would in the real world, you will find that the similarities are not enough to build a friendship.
• Have low expectations. Don’t expect people to be what you see on the outside. Sometimes, it’s a perfect façade and you will get hurt.
• We attract what we portray. Come across as a hard-nosed, condescending and mean person and soon enough, you’ll have a ragtag bunch of similar people in your posse.
• There are some amazing diamonds. Some still in the rough, but amazing.  Dig carefully and you will be utterly surprised that people like that still exist.
• The bottom line. Choose Social Media friends the same way you choose friends in real life. You do not meet a friend and then share all your history in one day, so why will you do the same on social media. Slow and steady.
•  And another bottom line. Sometimes the rules above mean nothing. You meet someone and you are totally blown away and find that despite all the differences, they are amazing. The rules and experience and all the sensible bits, mean absolutely nothing! 

And I went to my list of friends and realised that one more person has taken me off! Oh dear, I guess I am not the only one thinking that I need to refine my lists :) 

Stop the world! I want to get off.

A slight feeling of unease. Can't seem to put my finger on it but it's here. Like a dark shadow in the room. And a quick look at the calender confirmed it! 

My birthday month now and the inner judging has started. And I always fail the inner tests. I do this twice a year, my birthday and year end. I should have realised that it would not be too good as year end 2015 was not a good one. It was a hide away from the world time and I find that I am doing that even more?

Where am I now? Better than this time last year? What have I achieved in the past year? And the answers are never favourable because I have not yet found a way to be kind to myself. I promise myself each time that I will find a way to be kinder but each time I can't seem to find a particular way to do this. I expect others to listen to me when I tell them to good things about them, all the lofty heights they have reached with little or no encouragement from the outside world. So, why is it hard for me to listen to them? Or even harder to listen to myself? 

So I will put it out here.
In the past year:

I have made amazing friends 

I have moved the children further down the line on their journey in the world with great results. 

We finally finished the loft extension and the children are in their own rooms. 

And we are still all alive.

But the nagging bits still remain. I shall not give them the light of day and will keep them hidden. There they shall stay, unacknowledged and hopefully will fizzle away without the light to give them life. Until then, one of my favourite phrases: And this too shall pass.

My name is Kemi and I am an empath!

There, I said it.

I used to think I was strange and fake when I passed a car that had broken down and turned round to give the driver my can of Coke Zero.

I wondered why a beggar on the street bothered me so much that I would ask if they had eaten and then go to the nearby KFC and get them a meal. 

I wondered why I felt moved to go the nearby café and get a drink for the men from the council clearing the dead branches from the trees in my area. My reasoning was that it was cold and they needed a hot drink. I had no money in the car and had to ask my husband for some coins and almost lied as I felt it was difficult to explain what I needed the money for. On the way back, I checked and they had gone.

I was trying to explain this to my daughter recently and the perfect example unfolded as we were discussing it in the car. On our way shopping, we saw a car parked oddly at the side of the road. I told her about the previous time we stopped and gave a similar driver a drink. But I did not have a drink in the car and I was not sure the car had broken down. So we drove on and finished shopping. On the way to pick up my son from school, we saw the car again, this time with the front bonnet open, but we were in a rush and still had no drinks in the car. I felt guilty that I did not consider this person and get a drink for him and check he was fine. 

I ask myself why I do this. Is it to show off that I am a good person? Is it to get brownie points from God so he can bless me? Why?? If anyone can answer this, I would be highly appreciative. All I can say is that it is sometimes annoying and always leaves me feeling guilty if I do not obey the instructions to empathise. Sometimes, I just want to be able to sympathise and say something nice and move on (not knocking those who do this, believe me, I say this with great envy) Any cure for this pretend sainthood?

I am burdened with my own but I feel obliged to carry the burden of others. One great difficulty is when I need someone to do what I would do and I get upset when it does not surface. I remember when I was pregnant and asked my friends for food and no one obliged. Apparently I was too fussy about what I liked (Hmm, I need to let go of that, the child is already 6!)  And then I realise that we are all wired differently and move happily on, till the next time.

See, I started each paragraph with I. Not all that, you see. Sometimes self-centred :)

Have a great day xx

And I put this on a new blog that I opened. But I have now decided to continue with this one. Continuity....



I find myself at the beginning of a brand new blog years after I started the previous one. Seems like a lifetime away and I have locked the old blog away.

So, I am me.

With loads of random musings

But you can be certain of a few things.

I will talk about my Faith

I will talk about Food

I will talk about My Family

I will talk about Autism

And sometimes, I will be quiet.

See you around.

Hello!

It has been so very long.

And I have decided that I need to come back to the blogging world. But need a break from this blog and a new start. New blog coming up shortly.

A lot has happened in 4+ years.

So, how have you all been?

Anybody still here?

Will look closely later xx

Are you there Dad, it's only me xx

Ahhh. It's being a long 6 months since my Dad died and most of the days have been good and then some days have been downright awful. You never know how hard it'll hit till it happens. My Dad was almost 90 but even that has not made it easier.

So I''ll send him a little message. ( Please humour me, no one really reads the blogs now anyway :)

Hey Dad, we are all good. Would be better if we had just one more conversation. Your granddaughter is doing well at school, amazingly she is also doing well in gymnastics and in music. Those talents must have skipped so many generations!!

Your grandson will be 2 next week. A bit worried as he is not speaking yet. Could you have a word with God and him, please? It does worry me immensely.

Remembrance Sunday was quite moving today as I could finally feel what others who have lost someone feels. An empty hole that you hope will fill up in time but gets smaller but never really goes away.

O digbe re, Ipade doju ala. Love you Pops.

Bye Daddy

On the 7th of May, my darling Dad went on ahead. You see, I was the last child for about 20 years and I absolutely loved my Daddy. We sometimes went for ages without speaking and then will speak regularly. It all happened so quickly as Dad gave us 7 days to bury him so I had to go to Nigeria in a mad hurry.

A few months ago, Dad phoned and said his favourite slippers were on their way out. I had bought him 2 pairs as he liked them and wore them everyday and both pairs lasted about 7 years. So I began my search for another pair and could not find them anywhere. I sent a replacement and he said they were a bit tight and I said they would stretch as they were leather. He also wanted some underwear and I got him 6 sets. When we went to pick Dad up on the morning of the wake keeping, they dressed him and put him in one of the underwear sets I sent home. I wish I had dropped a note in the coffin, though I am not sure what I would have written on it.

On top of my freezer, I think I have a pack of Clan tobacco. Dad used to smoke a pipe and that smell in an air conditioned room transports me back. I forgot to send them home in the last parcel and was going to send them with the next person going home. One day when I am strong enough, I will burn a bit of the tobacco just to smell my dad.

I spoke to him the day before he died, and I knew he could hear me but I could not really hear him. My last words were, ,"I will call you in the morning. I love you Daddy" We always ended our phone calls with me saying "I love you Daddy" and my Dad will say "Thank you". You see, he was old school and would never say I love you. Instead he showed it. I remember my love of reading started because my Dad always made me read and bought me loads of books. He used to get me the encyclopedia for my age set and I am still looking for the set I had when I was about 7. He used to read to me and our favourite shared book was King Solomons mines. I read the book every couple of years and I am due another read but I cannot bring myself to read it. One day, I might.

Dad was always huge on education and effort. Apparently, I have his hands and look the most like him. Can't really see it myself but I find myself looking in the mirror now trying to spot all the similarities. For now, I have good days where I function well enough and then desperately bad days, where waking up is such a chore. It hurts so violently and I find myself wishing I could just hide away for a while. But life must go on and the children need me.

My overriding fear is that I will forget the sound of his voice and all his little quirks. He had a habit of fiddling with his ring and tapping it whenever he was bored. He always walked very fast and I remember running after him, trying to keep up with his strides when he was going to the office. I used to go along to read and drink tea and biscuits with the secretary. He had an expressive smile and deep belly laugh and he used to eat pounded yam with a fork and knife. For an Ondo man, he never ate with his hands :)

I wish I did not believe in God so much as I desperately want to consult a psychic. I just want to say hello and have Dad say hello back. Is that too much to ask?