Wheat from Chaff, Rules of Social Media Engagement, yada yada yada….

Background details.

I put this comment recently on FB: It's the inclusion of all, even those you would never have interacted with that's the problem. When it then gets messy, as it would when wheat is not sorted from chaff, it becomes difficult for me to say "Well, what did you expect?" I am a snob. I own it

A few days ago I put up this message: And I am always amazed by the reaction of my people. Same situation, exactly the same issue. But one was most gracious and understanding. Choose your caucus carefully. Do not cast your pearls before swine. Have a great week ahead.

And then: I was looking for an FB friend today as I had not seen her on my timeline for a while, I rarely visit pages and just rely on my timeline to keep me informed. I saw I had been “unfriended”. Apparently, she was having issues with a mutual friend of ours and decided to lose a few friends! So I was a tad irritated as the “gatherfight” attitude that some have. If you fall out with my friend, please do not expect me to pick sides, unless I also have a direct issue with the same friend.

So this got me thinking. The lady who unfriended me, a lovely lady by the way, was well within her rights to protect herself. And this is one thing that I realise that I have not been doing. In the heady world of FB friendship, I have forgotten something very important. My name is Kemi and I am a snob! I guard myself closely and have done so all my life. So when in moments of weakness, I let some people in, I always kick myself later.

I had started this blog post a while ago and saved in the Draft as I never seemed to finish it. The above three points have now made it imperative that I put up this post.  It’s a bit of a stream of consciousness as most of my posts are but here goes!

The world is getting increasingly smaller and social media has played a great part in this. While this is acceptable in most cases, there is a small point. You know how we gravitate towards certain people based on all our principles, upbringing, education etc etc?  Well, the internet has blurred those lines and we cannot rely on our simple sense to make sure we don’t make massive errors of judgement. So, here you go.   

KML’s rules of Social Media engagement

• Be true to yourself. It’s a good thing to expand your coast, but you really should not expect that people you would not touch with a barge pole in real life will be any different because they are hiding behind a name and a set of pictures on social media.
• Do not expect that because you have some vague similarities eg nationality, sexual preference etc, that you will be well suited for meaningful friendships. As you would in the real world, you will find that the similarities are not enough to build a friendship.
• Have low expectations. Don’t expect people to be what you see on the outside. Sometimes, it’s a perfect façade and you will get hurt.
• We attract what we portray. Come across as a hard-nosed, condescending and mean person and soon enough, you’ll have a ragtag bunch of similar people in your posse.
• There are some amazing diamonds. Some still in the rough, but amazing.  Dig carefully and you will be utterly surprised that people like that still exist.
• The bottom line. Choose Social Media friends the same way you choose friends in real life. You do not meet a friend and then share all your history in one day, so why will you do the same on social media. Slow and steady.
•  And another bottom line. Sometimes the rules above mean nothing. You meet someone and you are totally blown away and find that despite all the differences, they are amazing. The rules and experience and all the sensible bits, mean absolutely nothing! 

And I went to my list of friends and realised that one more person has taken me off! Oh dear, I guess I am not the only one thinking that I need to refine my lists :) 

Stop the world! I want to get off.

A slight feeling of unease. Can't seem to put my finger on it but it's here. Like a dark shadow in the room. And a quick look at the calender confirmed it! 

My birthday month now and the inner judging has started. And I always fail the inner tests. I do this twice a year, my birthday and year end. I should have realised that it would not be too good as year end 2015 was not a good one. It was a hide away from the world time and I find that I am doing that even more?

Where am I now? Better than this time last year? What have I achieved in the past year? And the answers are never favourable because I have not yet found a way to be kind to myself. I promise myself each time that I will find a way to be kinder but each time I can't seem to find a particular way to do this. I expect others to listen to me when I tell them to good things about them, all the lofty heights they have reached with little or no encouragement from the outside world. So, why is it hard for me to listen to them? Or even harder to listen to myself? 

So I will put it out here.
In the past year:

I have made amazing friends 

I have moved the children further down the line on their journey in the world with great results. 

We finally finished the loft extension and the children are in their own rooms. 

And we are still all alive.

But the nagging bits still remain. I shall not give them the light of day and will keep them hidden. There they shall stay, unacknowledged and hopefully will fizzle away without the light to give them life. Until then, one of my favourite phrases: And this too shall pass.

My name is Kemi and I am an empath!

There, I said it.

I used to think I was strange and fake when I passed a car that had broken down and turned round to give the driver my can of Coke Zero.

I wondered why a beggar on the street bothered me so much that I would ask if they had eaten and then go to the nearby KFC and get them a meal. 

I wondered why I felt moved to go the nearby café and get a drink for the men from the council clearing the dead branches from the trees in my area. My reasoning was that it was cold and they needed a hot drink. I had no money in the car and had to ask my husband for some coins and almost lied as I felt it was difficult to explain what I needed the money for. On the way back, I checked and they had gone.

I was trying to explain this to my daughter recently and the perfect example unfolded as we were discussing it in the car. On our way shopping, we saw a car parked oddly at the side of the road. I told her about the previous time we stopped and gave a similar driver a drink. But I did not have a drink in the car and I was not sure the car had broken down. So we drove on and finished shopping. On the way to pick up my son from school, we saw the car again, this time with the front bonnet open, but we were in a rush and still had no drinks in the car. I felt guilty that I did not consider this person and get a drink for him and check he was fine. 

I ask myself why I do this. Is it to show off that I am a good person? Is it to get brownie points from God so he can bless me? Why?? If anyone can answer this, I would be highly appreciative. All I can say is that it is sometimes annoying and always leaves me feeling guilty if I do not obey the instructions to empathise. Sometimes, I just want to be able to sympathise and say something nice and move on (not knocking those who do this, believe me, I say this with great envy) Any cure for this pretend sainthood?

I am burdened with my own but I feel obliged to carry the burden of others. One great difficulty is when I need someone to do what I would do and I get upset when it does not surface. I remember when I was pregnant and asked my friends for food and no one obliged. Apparently I was too fussy about what I liked (Hmm, I need to let go of that, the child is already 6!)  And then I realise that we are all wired differently and move happily on, till the next time.

See, I started each paragraph with I. Not all that, you see. Sometimes self-centred :)

Have a great day xx

And I put this on a new blog that I opened. But I have now decided to continue with this one. Continuity....



I find myself at the beginning of a brand new blog years after I started the previous one. Seems like a lifetime away and I have locked the old blog away.

So, I am me.

With loads of random musings

But you can be certain of a few things.

I will talk about my Faith

I will talk about Food

I will talk about My Family

I will talk about Autism

And sometimes, I will be quiet.

See you around.

Hello!

It has been so very long.

And I have decided that I need to come back to the blogging world. But need a break from this blog and a new start. New blog coming up shortly.

A lot has happened in 4+ years.

So, how have you all been?

Anybody still here?

Will look closely later xx

Are you there Dad, it's only me xx

Ahhh. It's being a long 6 months since my Dad died and most of the days have been good and then some days have been downright awful. You never know how hard it'll hit till it happens. My Dad was almost 90 but even that has not made it easier.

So I''ll send him a little message. ( Please humour me, no one really reads the blogs now anyway :)

Hey Dad, we are all good. Would be better if we had just one more conversation. Your granddaughter is doing well at school, amazingly she is also doing well in gymnastics and in music. Those talents must have skipped so many generations!!

Your grandson will be 2 next week. A bit worried as he is not speaking yet. Could you have a word with God and him, please? It does worry me immensely.

Remembrance Sunday was quite moving today as I could finally feel what others who have lost someone feels. An empty hole that you hope will fill up in time but gets smaller but never really goes away.

O digbe re, Ipade doju ala. Love you Pops.

Bye Daddy

On the 7th of May, my darling Dad went on ahead. You see, I was the last child for about 20 years and I absolutely loved my Daddy. We sometimes went for ages without speaking and then will speak regularly. It all happened so quickly as Dad gave us 7 days to bury him so I had to go to Nigeria in a mad hurry.

A few months ago, Dad phoned and said his favourite slippers were on their way out. I had bought him 2 pairs as he liked them and wore them everyday and both pairs lasted about 7 years. So I began my search for another pair and could not find them anywhere. I sent a replacement and he said they were a bit tight and I said they would stretch as they were leather. He also wanted some underwear and I got him 6 sets. When we went to pick Dad up on the morning of the wake keeping, they dressed him and put him in one of the underwear sets I sent home. I wish I had dropped a note in the coffin, though I am not sure what I would have written on it.

On top of my freezer, I think I have a pack of Clan tobacco. Dad used to smoke a pipe and that smell in an air conditioned room transports me back. I forgot to send them home in the last parcel and was going to send them with the next person going home. One day when I am strong enough, I will burn a bit of the tobacco just to smell my dad.

I spoke to him the day before he died, and I knew he could hear me but I could not really hear him. My last words were, ,"I will call you in the morning. I love you Daddy" We always ended our phone calls with me saying "I love you Daddy" and my Dad will say "Thank you". You see, he was old school and would never say I love you. Instead he showed it. I remember my love of reading started because my Dad always made me read and bought me loads of books. He used to get me the encyclopedia for my age set and I am still looking for the set I had when I was about 7. He used to read to me and our favourite shared book was King Solomons mines. I read the book every couple of years and I am due another read but I cannot bring myself to read it. One day, I might.

Dad was always huge on education and effort. Apparently, I have his hands and look the most like him. Can't really see it myself but I find myself looking in the mirror now trying to spot all the similarities. For now, I have good days where I function well enough and then desperately bad days, where waking up is such a chore. It hurts so violently and I find myself wishing I could just hide away for a while. But life must go on and the children need me.

My overriding fear is that I will forget the sound of his voice and all his little quirks. He had a habit of fiddling with his ring and tapping it whenever he was bored. He always walked very fast and I remember running after him, trying to keep up with his strides when he was going to the office. I used to go along to read and drink tea and biscuits with the secretary. He had an expressive smile and deep belly laugh and he used to eat pounded yam with a fork and knife. For an Ondo man, he never ate with his hands :)

I wish I did not believe in God so much as I desperately want to consult a psychic. I just want to say hello and have Dad say hello back. Is that too much to ask?

Where has the year gone???

Anybody out there??

Time really flies when you are having fun or in my case severely sleep deprived. Fems is one year old now. Yikes, can't believe I have been away from here for this long. I blame the demise of most of my favourite bloggers and the lack of time to discover news ones.

Sooooo, fill me in on all the gist, please, please, please. Till I catch up, I have to live vicariously through all of you.

Will pop in again. Snow has been forecast for London. Hoping it won't affect Lopes' party. She will be 7 soon. Na wah o. I am becoming an old mum. All's good sha.

Will be back soon xx

And we have a baby.....

Boy :)

Born almost 5 weeks ago weighing 6lbs. Lopes is absolutely enamoured and if he had a penny for every kiss from her, he would give Bill Gates a run for his money!

He will be known as Thomas which is the name Lopes gave him when I was pregnant. I found out it means Twin and never has a name being so true. He looks so much like her when she was his age and they even have the same mannerisms. So far, 2-nil as none of my children look like me. As we are not having any more, I guess I have to be happy that my children have my complexion! With each pregnancy, we prayed that God should take the best from each parent and add whatever we are lacking in to give us the best package. Needless to say, none of my children have my temper! Thank God for that, as I am the trouble maker in our household!

So apart from sleep deprivation an Thomas creating his own hole in the ozone layer due to his wind from both ends, we are getting ready for Christmas.

In the meantime. Lopes turned 6 and had a lovely party when Thomas was 2 weeks. Not bad after a complicated section with forceps!

So 4 weeks later, I am at least 4kgs less than I was just after I had him. Off for last minute Christmas shopping. Tree not up yet and it's Christmas eve!

Enjoy. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow the merriment continues!

Steve Harvey introduction to Jesus

I love this clip :)

Bank Holiday at the Lopes

Lopes:

“I don’t know what I want to be, A doctor, a dentist, a hairdresser, a p.e teacher, a teacher or just a mummy. But a mummy is boring. That’s what you are, just a mummy”

Ouch, says mummy who has 2 jobs as an analyst, runs an online business and is also “Just a mummy”

Later as she was about to make herself some toast, she asked where the bread was. I said it was in a carrier bag in the kitchen as I had brought it out of the bread bin earlier. After looking for about 10 minutes, (I need to tell you how she looks for things; just like I did as a child) she came back annoyed that it was not in a carrier bag but out of the bag. I apologised and she said, “Don’t worry, you were just confused”

Oh dear. I must be doing something wrong.

Then again, I must be doing something right as she wrote me this note.

"I love you mummy, you are the best mummy in the whole world. Tolu, Daddy and baby." This is verbatim but she kept asking me how to spell world. Her writing is getting better and it is something I definitely want to improve as my handwriting is absolutely illegible!

Back to her searching abilities.

When I was younger, my mum would send me to her room to get something. After searching for 2 minutes, I would go back downstairs and say I did not find it. I will get sent back up to look again, then go back down to say I did not find it. Depending on how much patience my mum had at the time, I would get sent back a few times but it always ended with a threat that if she came upstairs and found it, I was in deep trouble. I usually found it after that! Now history is repeating itself. My mum says it’s payback time. Also added to payback time is Lope’s inability to eat “wet” cereal which means she has a bowl of dry cereal and a glass of milk on the side!

One thing I refuse to add to payback is Lopes' ability to give a running commentary on absolutely everything. Men, can she talk and sometimes it gets a bit too wearing and I find myself going to hide in the Loo which gives me a minute before she demands what I am doing there.

She has just come back with 2 slices of toast and 2 plates. Each slice of toast has it’s own plate! I started getting her to do things as my mum came back from staying with my sister and was so upset that her 17 year old grandson could not make a cup of tea. She was around to tak my sister on holiday for her 50^th and was even more annoyed that no one else in the house could work the washing machine.

Here in the Lopes abode, it’s everyman for himself. BabaLopes does his own laundry as he does not trust me to do it as he likes. He is fussy about temperatures and detergents and fabric conditioner while I am happy that a wash is complete if it has clothes, detergent and conditioner. He, on the other hand, has different detergents for different fabrics and I have too many loads to wash so everything gets washed at 40 degrees with non-bio detergent and sensitive fabric conditioner.

I am digressing every which way. Anyway, GrandmaLopes asked Lopes to make some toast and I was so sure that she won’t have a clue. Boy was I wrong! As well as Lopes talking 19 to the dozen she follows everything going on around her with eagle eyes. She is getting quite resourceful and loves washing the doors and floors (of her own free will, before I get reported to child services) and is beginning to ask if she can load the dishwasher :)

Any errors on this posting are due to two things. My brain is going too fast and I just poured a full cup of water on my laptop keyboard.

PS. Just had to add this from Lopes. "Mummy do you want millions, gazillions or amenity"??? Apparently amenity is not a number but a kind of number. The largest one. I think she means infinity!

Deep thoughts

And I thought I had escaped deep introspections for a while as I had the baby to think about.

Went out to a friend's for a dinner party with a subset of my sista friends. Deep questions that made me think about certain things for the first time and this song sums up my thoughts..




I hope some good answers come through and that they do not lead to more questions.

Off to bed. It's 12.42am and I am teaching in Sunday School tomorrow :) That will definitely cheer me up. Children have a way about making things easier.

Metamorphosis

Lopes found a caterpillar a couple of weeks ago and decided to study the life cycle of a butterfly/moth.

So we put it in a container with a leaf and the next day, it had wrapped itself up in a corner of the leaf and sealed itself in. Must have been an old caterpillar!

We diligently checked it and then BabaLopes told us it was probably dead as the leaf was so dry and we should have watered it. So we forgot about it.

Last night, Lopes brought me the container and it had the loveliest moth in it. The moth was dead. That brought a tear to my eye. Gone before it had a chance to really spread it's wings and lived most of it's life in a container, being poked and prodded and called upon to entertain.

Reminds me of Michael Jackson. The Great MJ. Thank you for the music. Now you can rest.