Darkness, Despair all deep in the pit. No more fight in the not so old gal. "Just there".
I try and fail to feel anything and then trying seems such a chore. I spoke and spoke and nobody heard and then I spoke no more. I used to think the thoughts and then one day, nothing. Not a single thought. Even when I tried hard, the grey cells just refused to ignite.
Hmm. What to do now? The almighty impasse. I used to think of ways back before the journey,
But now I am "Just there". What happened to the little fighter, the one who always echoed "And this too shall pass"? She passed on, or was it just the fight that died? Hope was always there when called upon but I have not seen the old friend in a while.
My eyes are open, yet I see nothing, the words are there, yet they do not come forth to comfort me. I feel the coldness and I do not even crave the warmth anymore. Too much effort needed to light the fire. Resignation is paramount, resistance is futile. Tears fall but then only for a moment and they too, gone too soon before they make a difference.
Cold, cloying cold, has been seeping in for so long and has become the norm. It now feels good to be told, no scratch that, nothing feels anything anymore. My very being seems separated from me and is floating in the ether. At the edge looking down and nothing holds me back. What would it be like to just let go, what would it be like to fly away?
I remain unmoved, unyielding, again "Just there" For now.....
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6 comments:
Oh girl... you need Jesus... and drugs! Seriously. St Johns's Wort or something stronger. Did you read the verse of the day on your blog?
Start with a G&T.
I will start on the prayers to drag you out.
p.s - dont start wih G&T if u r PG :-)
Wow! That was really deep...you sound like you are coming from a very lonesome place. This I give to you...
For the days that I laughed in joy like I never knew sorrow, I remain thankful!
For the moments in life that the earth seemed to move at my will, I remain thankful!
For the battles I have fought and won and for triumphs to come, I remain thankful!
For all I have and do not have, I remain thankful!
For Today, Tomorrow and For evermore, I remain thankful!
For the love of all things humorous. I come here to get laughter not to be lambasted with deep things. Mama Lopes, I don vex with you o!
Sista mi, are you alright? Everyone okay?
Let me go look for you...
checking in...
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